and start gathering it from the inside. I experienced these words quite deeply. They are from the movie “Peaceful Warrior”. I watched this movie 2 or 3 times and these were the strongest words that I remembered from it. I thought that I understood them. But what does understanding mean? What is understanding?

Weeks later I was confronted with a situation which put these words more deeply in me. I was in a period where I knew that the best thing that can happen to a spiritual person is to become enlightened. I didn’t know what exactly this is, but so many people were talking and are talking about it. Maybe in my imagination it is a state of being where there is only love.

One morning I accidentally found a website about two Indians, Sri Bhagavan and Amma (not to be confused with Mata Amritanandamayi), who can give enlightenment through energy transmission called deeksha or diksha. I was excited. I looked through their website (Oneness University) and watched many of their videos in youtube (1) (2). And all the things that I read and all the things that Sri Bhagavan said were ringing so true with my understanding. I wanted so much to go there. I wanted to go to India on the course and to become enlightened. Have you ever wanted something so badly? Wanting, wanting, wanting it. And you just want it to happen. Well, that is how I wanted that. I felt very attracted by what I saw and heard. There was one thing that was strange, the course cost about 3000 or 4000 euro. At first I thought, “Oh, no, this is not right”, but then I continued to research the topic. My desire grew bigger and bigger and I was ready to give the money if I had them. I so much believed that this is the path that I should take. And all this happened in only one day. The whole day I watched the videos and the website.

Then I wanted to go to some of the conferences that they organize in Europe. There was one in Holland and I thought about going there. Then I found out that the people who have received this energy, deeksha, can give it to other people. So in every country there were people who can do that. I found the German website and there were more than 20 people. There was even a woman in Darmstadt, but somehow I didn’t want to go there at that time. It would cost me 20 euro, but I didn’t feel some connection with her. But my desire to go to India or receive deeksha was still very strong. I was putting so much feelings into this. I looked at the website of the other people in Germany and at the end of the day I landed on the website of a woman, who was a coach. On her website there was the following story:

Once upon a time there was a clever and wise man, who was famous for that he had answers to all questions of the people. Troops of people went on a pilgrimage to him and asked their questions. There was no question left unanswered. One day two young boys had a brilliant idea how to cheat the wise man. They took a small bird, which fitted in a closed fist and came to an agreement that they will ask the wise man, whether the bird in their hand is dead or alive. If he said that it is alive, then they will squash it. If he said that it is dead, then they will let the bird lives. So they went to the wise man and asked him the question and held their closed fist in front of them. The wise man looked at them kindly and answered completely still: “Whether the bird is dead or alive, my son, depends solely on your fist”.

This is the story. But then I read the following questions: With which role did you spontaneously and most likely identify yourself? With the boy, the bird, or the wise man? Does the bird stands for experience and feeling of a victim for you? Powerless to be delivered and captured or fear of existence? Or maybe you identify yourself with the young boy with the desire for power and superiority in order to demonstrate bigness and cleverness? Or you know as the wise man, that you have already everything in your hand?

I … was … stunned … I was like hit with a hammer. I identified myself with the boy, who is searching and searching for the truth. I became the seeker and not the wise man and I could continue to search and search, to look outside. Then the words from the movie came, “I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself and start gathering it from the inside. People are afraid of what’s inside and that’s the only place they are going to find what they need”. Oh my God. I put all my feeling, my love, my happiness, my inner peace and everything outside of me into this Indian, Sri Bhagavan and the deeksha. The whole day I was doing this. So much attraction and so much looking in the outside for a better life. How could I believe that someone else is going to give me the love and peace that I wanted? I made myself so dependent that day. The whole day.

Then after reflecting about all of it, I was happy that this has happened. I think that I better understood something very important. I should look inside.

P.S. If you accidentally have looked at the links above, please check also this one.